The Silver Linings Phrasebook: Common Normie Phrases that need to be Unlearned

Content Warning: Suicidal Ideation

Today we’re going to take a look at some common phrases that people who don’t have mental illness say to T/MIs. This post is really for people who have loved ones with mental illness, or what I often refer to as “normies.” Sometimes, it’s difficult to know what to say to your loved ones when they come to you for comfort when they are struggling. Below are some ways you can turn those common, unhelpful phrases into genuine support.

“Look on the bright side.”

Why Not to Use: When you’re feeling miserable, there is no bright side. T/MIs don’t have the ability or desire to look at things in a positive mind frame. It’s like telling someone, “Don’t be sad” or “Just feel better.” You’re not asking for a reasonable expectation. It’s not within their wheelhouse at the moment to be able to shift their perspective. If they could have, they would have already done it, and they wouldn’t be in this predicament where they are asking for your help.

Instead: Point out something beautiful. Ask them to find beauty throughout their day. That beauty will bring endorphins, but only if they have the mastery to see beyond their desperate thoughts. If you remind them that they have the ability to see beauty in the world, it might provide the right circumstances where they will be able to do this without help from others. It can become a positive habit. But please, don’t fall into the trap of comparison (see below) or “See how good you have it.” This will only make things worse.

“You’re so much better off than [X].”

Why Not to Use: Don’t play the comparison game. It only ever leads to a spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. It will tell them that they are supposed to compare themselves to other people’s situations, regardless of how well those other people are doing, and they will compare themselves to the best of the best—those people who actually are (in reality or on social media, that’s a coin toss) better off than them. They’ll take what you said and do the exact opposite. We can’t help it; that’s just the way it is when comparison is brought up.

Instead: Put the focus back on them. “I know you’re struggling, but you are a wonderful human being, and I’m lucky to know you.” This not only affirms that their struggles are real, but it also gives them an uplifting feeling, recognizing through not just actions (which can easily be misconstrued) but actual affirmations that you love them and care for them. The Beatles were right: sometimes, love is all you need.

“Things will get better.”
“Things may seem bad now, but…”

Why Not to Use: Without proof, this statement is hollow. Give yourself some evidence to back up your statement. Oh, you can’t? Well… there’s your answer.

Instead: Focus on parts of the person’s life that are already great. If nothing is coming to mind, offer them your hope. “I believe things will get better for you.” And offer them your help! That’s the only way you can back up your belief: if you put the time and effort towards this person to ensure things will indeed get better.

“I’m praying for you.”
“God is with you.”

Why Not the Use: Not everyone is religious and some people even get offended when they’re prayed for—it can make them feel like a charity case, or at the very least, pitiful.

Instead: Use the phrase “I’m here with you” or “I’m here for you.” Let them know that they aren’t alone. Sometimes that’s all anyone needs.

“God never gives you more than you can handle.”

Why Not to Use: This is absolutely not true. Even if  you believe in God. If it were true, no one would ever have committed suicide in the history of humanity. This is a pithy phrase which really just calls to the strength of each of us and attribute’s it to the mercy of someone else. If you want to demonstrate how you think this person is strong, SAY IT!

Instead: “You are such a strong person” or if, if you don’t feel like they are, say “You are strong enough to endure this.” This empowers them instead of making them feel even more like a failure or disappointment. I like it when people call me a badass when I’m crying—it makes me laugh, and it gives me a sense of empowerment.

“Why don’t you try doing [X]; it’ll take your mind off it.”

Why Not to Use: Distractions can be excellent tools to muddle bad thoughts, but approaching it this way can make people think they’re being treated like a child. The assumption is that they handn’t already thought of doing something to make themselves feel better, when the reality is sometimes that it’s all they can think about, but that their body doesn’t have the strength or ability at the moment to be more productive. Sometimes it’s even a matter of their brain telling them they don’t deserve to feel good, or that they just flat-out don’t want to feel good.

Instead: “You’re doing your best, and that’s good enough for now.” Let them know there aren’t any expectation put on them, and that it’s not their own fault if they can’t be happy. The solution isn’t always in doing. Maybe the solution right now is just being—being able to exist in this state. Strength is built, not avoided, and the strength one acquires from existing in negative states will help them exist during any other periods of discomfort or struggle. Don’t deprive them of the opportunity to flex their emotional muscles by suggesting their distractions are more beneficial—not if they’re up for the challenge. If you do suggest anything, have it be a walk (preferably solitary or with someone who can walk in companionable silence). The endorphins may help, but so will clearing their head in the outdoors, and the silence will help them sift through thoughts they would otherwise let fester.

Give these alternatives a try the next time someone you love is struggling. They may just be the difference between a half-hearted, hopeless response and a genuine “thank you.”